Work as a Prayer

I heard something recently that took my breath away, and although having read most of the books in C.S. Lewis' Narnia series, I haven't gotten to this part just yet.

I actually heard someone speaking about this at a different time, and thankfully found it again on the Desiring God  blog when I couldn't remember the details.
Even though it wasn't always easy for me to be this transparent and share this vulnerable side of my life,  this journey I am on has been a bit like walking out on the water, and I am not sinking.

In a fabulously hard place where God is "making me lie down in green pastures," requiring me to be still ad know, to trust, to be quiet, to listen for his voice. He has a purpose, an authenticity he wants me to uncover through it all. Not to say this journey isn't amazing too, I am just saying when it comes to finding an authentic voice, and work, I am and have been made to lie down, and the old dragon skin is being ripped off as I speak.

Hopefully by sharing this with you, at least one person's eyes will be open that we need to be on this journey together. A journey to an Authentic Life, living with core convictions, understanding that we should have joy in our work, to be creative because it is just the way our life should be, and to trust that the outcome is in "good hands."

So back to the story that took my breath away. If you see Aslan as a representation of Jesus, fully trustworthy, and fully fierce & unsafe but Good, then you will understand what is needed for true transformative change, and it doesn't sound pretty or easy!

"In mercy and compassion, Aslan arrives, and leads the dragoned Eustace to a garden on top of the mountain, and then to a well at the center of the garden.

Eustace looks at the well and knows if he could just get into the water the pain in his leg would be soothed. But Aslan says he will have to be undressed first. After a moment of confusion Eustace, remembers that he is a dragon and that dragons have skins like snakes which could be shed. With his new claws, Eustace begins tearing at his dragon skin. He peels off one layer only to discover another nasty, scaly, and rough layer underneath. And then another. After three layers, he realizes it’s vain — he will never make himself clean or get rid of his pain or shed the nasty skin.

A Gash of Grace

“You will have to let me undress you,” says Aslan the Lion. So desperate was Eustace, even his fear of Aslan’s claws was not enough to stop him from laying down flat on his back. Laying anxious on the ground, here’s what Eustace felt. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. . . .Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off — just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt — and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me — I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on — and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again. . . .
After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me . . . in new clothes.

Was able to get my baby "fix" the other day when I met this new little one. So sweet! Working is such a delight, I will never ever take it for granted ever again! As I work, it is really my prayer. I think slowly I have decided to take a few clients in photography for now and do some more odd jobs to fill in the blanks while I am working on my painting show. Love and miss photographing children so much it literally hurts, but this time of creating and playing with a new medium has been extremely refreshing. Hopefully fruitful soon. 

As I paint, I am wanting to set some real goals for the end products I have accumulating here, so I vow to have a very colorful art show in Nashville Tennessee, hopefully this summer and hopefully with Kristi D. McDougal. Setting goals helps me take this painting thing to another level and see it as a way to work, and love what I do!  Also, I will be showing my new paintings at the Slope Suds in Brooklyn in about 5 weeks! 

As far as Photography goes, I am definitely looking to sing up a limited number of new families for newborn sessions and child Urban colorful Spring sessions in the Brooklyn area or Manhattan of course. 

Plans to come back to Raleigh  so do sign up for your spring photo session too. ( very limited number of sessions available) 

Got to hang out with this little sweet baby today and snuggle! She has such a great big sister!

Painting, I am just letting it all out. Sometimes it turns into mush. But that mush usually begins me thinking about what I want again. The best thing about painting, it there in no limit to how many errors that you make, just paint over it. Hardest part in painting though is letting go of a good part because it is not working in the overall life and profound statement the painting is trying to make. 

Next, I want to paint from the inspiration of birds and butterflies and dragon flies wings, mixed with dreams, texture, patterns, and some subject matter and landscapes. 

Long over due Creativity NYC Update

I

Adventures in New York City.

As you can imagine, the past few months have been Filled with just trying to survive the winter!!  We've been hit by snowstorm after snowstorm, walking miles in the freezing cold. 

My Southern friends gasp at the thought of it, although It really isn't so bad with the right gear. Being outside in the middle of 'doing' is so tactile & exhilarating, way more than the cozy warm car. 

Probably what really prepared me for this was when I had gotten a glimpse of what we are capable of around 8 years ago in MI, in the freezing cold. This Southern girl got off the sofa and trained for a 1/2 marathon in way below freezing temps. The feelings I had then I had never had before in my life. It was like being imortal or flying or something that humans just couldn't or shouldn't do, it took me by such surprise. Being at home under the warm covers was what I used to think was the better deal, especially if the sun wasn't up and extra especially if it was freezing or below.  Now, since I got that glimpse into what could be,  being at home cozy and warm was definitely not as fun as being out experiencing the sunrise over the frozen lake, seeing the ice crystals floating in the light, breathing so much steam that my eyes would fog. 

So all of that is to say, I kind of like being in the outside, even if it is cold and snowy. Engaging the senses keeping me present, always tactile and raw, i think is far better than car culture any day. 

So much for even getting to the car 1/2 this winter though. 

One Year and Two months has been so full of adventure,  wonder and self examination, with plenty of faith growing and maturing opportunities (which I need desperately). I have a brand new understanding of people, of how a city thrives & for God to allow me to be apart of this amazing story even if it is in a minute way, I feel very blessed.   

Having been Graced with participating in another program through the Redeemer Church's Center for Faith and work / artists. I am humbled by this experience as well, wishing you all could come be apart of it too! Once a week sitting amongst of some amazing people who are musicians, improve specialists, NY Times pick of the week play-write, actors, and visual artists, i am humbled to be there amongst such talent! We are helping each other in the maturing process by stretching each other's understanding of Christ, Grace, Repentence, and how our work is interwoven with our faith.  

Through this journey in faith and art, I have begun to paint again and open my heart up to working in multimedia. 

To discover painting again for me is much like running into a distant relative where once there was a warm close relationship which unexpectedly had grown so distant, eventually becoming nonexistent, and to have that relationship suddenly revived, restored, and good again and with all the joys that brings!! 

A lot in the same way, meeting this once before person which was me at one time, who i thought was gone, has been a quite unexpected yet a very welcoming and joyful journey.

Who would have thought this part of me would reappear? My longings for a life lived with authenticity are coming to the surface. 

All my prayers for God to break down the walls around my heart are being answered.  

Will this be a step that leads me back to  trust? Am I willing to risk being hurt, or rejected again? 

The beautiful part of this story is that God is doing what he does best. That is He is restoring, resurrecting, replenishing old places that were broken, empty, rotten, Dead in me & He's breathing new life in all of those places, making all things new.

This is bigger than just me, He's actually in process of doing this for all who are believers.  

Fear and lack of faith and no solid understandings, immaturity and hardheartedness, anger, bitterness jealousy and total lack of trust were ruling all of my heart for too many years. 

Me, yes me. You wouldn't know it, but it was why I hid from being fully known by anyone for such a long time. 

What does all this seemingly irrelivant information have to do with art? 

Creating is scary. To Create you have to be in tune with your authentic self, and where jealousy or bitterness rules, the temptation to compare yourself to others is too great and will destroy the process before it begins. Believe me I know from experience. 

Why am I sharing this personal journey? Because God is in the business of restoring and truth. 

Art is One of our creator's greatest tools that he uses to touch and open hearts all over the world. 

Think about it, You might only be overcome with certain emotions when a screen play moves you to tears, or you discover a new social cause to fight for through someone else's art. Or what about a photograph that brings to mind a forgotten memory or even triggers emotions once numb to. Those are windows into your heart, touching you with a new language that only your spirit can understand. Art is so valuable like that. 

To risk,  to create and put it out there raw and in the open. Will it be good enough? Will people want it? Will I have any other ideas ever again? Can I sustain being creative? Will there be provision, shall I be tempted to run back to safety? 

Then, I remember, there is a well where I go, where I get my water, it always satisfyies and it never runs dry. 

Now, for as long as i live here in NYC, for as long as God allows me to endure this trial, Each day I am committed to dive into beauty, creation, details in nature, to learn how to be as skilled as I can, trust, jump into safe arms, believe that this is where I need to be. 

So go Be creative! 

P.S. 

My daughter's work ethic has taught me a thing or two. 

1. Draw anything and everything often. 

2. Create all the time, doesn't matter which tool you are using to create with .. Paint, collage, photography, keep creating just because it honors God and He is pleased 

3. Work until your butt hurts from sitting too long. 

A step toward freedom

Welcome to my battle ground.  

I have decided to try an experiment and write down 12 observations during the day that capture my attention.  Not any of the negatives, but only things that captivated me, like beautiful things or something I overlook and take for granted on a regular basis. 12 simple phrases and descriptions every day for a year. My overall goal in this commitment is life intentionally focused on the good, allowing the awakening my longings and senses and start being receptive of this moment right before me.  

What a great dramatic day to start this journey!!! I've had many grumbles today & the temptation to complain, but I've intentionally zeroed in on the good for a purpose. 

First, We all woke up extremely groggy from staying up much of the night due to sickness in the house. We were excited to wake up to a foot of snow outside our door, And found out at 5 am by a courtesy call from the school that all schools were closed! Yay!!! a sick snow day! When jarred awake suddenly by this call, my son passed my room moaning that his ear was bleeding and  it appeared he had ruptured his eardrum. We needed to get to the doctor. 

True story continues... Bundled up for temps in the teens... We walked a 1/2 mile in the snow (which was way better than trying to dig my car out and drive in this mess) to get to the doctors office. 

We then proceeded to walk 2 blocks to the train and then walked about five blocks in the freezing uneven snow to Trader Joe's on Court, Only, we arrived to empty shelves. Their truck never arrived!!! 

My feet were frozen To the point where I had to find a radiator at in the bathroom and stand next to it to warm up my toes. 

After a long walk with grocery bags and a bus ride home, Ellis was so weary! I watched him get weary as his Ear discharged bacteria and infection and blood all day. 

What a great day to start Annihilating the sins of ingratitude, entitlement and complacency and grabbing onto truth and gratitude! 

I realize this is do or die. 

Its a start, a shaky start, but a start. 

Gratitude: the key to a heart of worship?

Does my heart sing with gratitude all day long? Am I living fully alive? Do I want to? 

By the time we moved here to NYC  I was so covered in false truths, lies, deceptions, hiding behind religion, and just plain hiding... that I was near total suffocation, lacking spiritual oxygen and water.  

I begged God that I needed to encounter the Real Him, to Know HIM, and not some made up version of who He is. Not the God-in-a-box most churches find easier to be around. I want to know the fierce, the Loving God who is terrifying and amazing, attractive and too Holy to be near. I want to taste and see that He is good, and to Hunger and Thirst for Him alone. I want the real deal. Weary from pretending and not really knowing where I stand, weary from lacking authenticity. 

One of the first families I met here in Brooklyn used to live in Africa. They spoke of camping out in the jungle where they could hear lions roar at night the tents had no doors. 
Could I do that? 
God is way more beautiful and fierce than the lion. And since my life is eternal, why would I be so afraid? What exactly am I trying to keep safe? 

It all started being ripped from a comfortable place, kicking and screaming, only 1/2 open to this experience.  Having seemingly no rest or peace for years and years, I felt totally ill equipped to love and call this crazy place a home.  In the midst of being in AWE and what I felt like was a semi open heart to living here at that time, I sensed the negative places brewing, the bitterness, the not seeing the good and pointing out the ugly surrounding  this city and in my heart. 

Emotions I felt like I had no control over. Wouldn't everyone feel this way? no.  

More than10 years I have been praying with seemingly little results and changes on the inside. 

The deep seeded places. 
The places where tragedy struck at an early age, the places that others intentionally harmed me on purpose, even the places that I decided to harm myself, all these torn and ripped places that have kept me from living fully alive, living fully present, and living fully grateful.  

Gratitude. could it be the key?   
Little morsels of information have led me here.  It started with the move, then little details the door opening to attend In the Living Room, He is Life, He is Life, He is Life, and Art opens the windows of hearts... were for me the take home messages I felt Kenyon Adams proposed so worshipfully (amongst many other profound understandings of Art and Culture). 

An awakening of my senses started to happen when I received a gift of membership to the Natural History Museum. Little by little I started to notice more and more the tiny overlooked details, treasures discovered,  thankfulness filled as I would see the glory of God showcased in a butterflies wings or in the 1000's of precious stones and minerals, etc etc. 

Then just walking around this city, riding the train with people from all walks of life. My eyes see the beauty of God in each and every detail of each human. 

Recently I have been able to read a lot more than ever. I just purchased a book called How to be and Explorer of the World by Keri Smith. Immediately enthralled by what she proposed, seeming so simple, what others might see as time wasters, a whole new way for me to look at art making and life. Immediately after,  I have been reading Ann Voskamp's 1000 gifts. 
Today, while reading what she was saying it was like I could take a breath for the first time ever, and my eyes were opened. 

How much of a coincidence is it that I read these two books back to back? or that even one of Ann's examples of her thankfulness  was seeing seemingly meaningless details that pleased her in the moment, like the details of soap bubbles  (number 362. suds all color in sun) on top a glass and all the colors in the sun. 

{Didn't I just post an instagram picture of that exact same thing the other day!!!? } see below 

I am only in the middle of the book, but am so thankful for her struggle through this process of having gratitude for taking the time with conviction and commitment to write down and recognize the little 'loves' and little moments that she finds beautiful, and little details in life that she finds enjoyable and is thankful for. Looking forward to reading the pages ahead. And looking forward to my own journey of Gratitude ahead. 

That process for Ann Voskamp has ushered in a kind of newness and an open heart to love, worship,  beauty, feeling, and being alive that no other thing could do. Ann quotes several verses to back up what she has discovered about this process and her walk with Christ, so I will get those for you for sure! For now I need to go cook dinner!!

Dear Ann,  I have never once heard someone really acknowledge and explain so well what happens to a heart when tragedy strikes so early in life. As you explained in losing your little sister to a horrible accident that left the whole family with terrible grief for many years to come, how tempting it was for you, for the rest of your days to wake up and see only the holes in life and the things wrong and the things that seemed off or missing. I just want you to know that for my entire life, since my mother tragically died when I was 3,  this is what I have struggled with too, its just that, no one has connected those dots for me ever before until today.  

 Join me day by day. I am all in. Gratitude. 

signed,  

Blest in Brooklyn. 

2014, We have 365 days ahead...

2014 
I welcome you.

For now, a video slideshow, just some highlights from a year's worth of instagram pics (our first year in NYC). The slide show took me two days to make, and I finally narrowed it down to 9 minutes, hope you enjoy!



2013 year endnumber2small from kimberly on Vimeo.



Four big things I learned in 2013

1. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it._ c.s. Lewis

2. Jesus is Life and my life is hidden in Him alone. He restores the Human calling.

3. Art is not Free and is the most valuable thing that God uses to open the hearts of people.

4. God's voice stills you, leads you, Reassures you, Enlightens, Encourages you, Comforts you, Calms you, Convicts you.

See talent in NYC with me...

Today has been all about people taking time to share their ARTS and talents in the Subway tunnels and on the train, in Barnes and Noble, and out on the streets! Thoroughly exhausted now, it has been my final hours of navigating and hiking and climbing a million stairs in this web of a city Christmas shopping for my family! I am done!!! Whoop. 

Graced with no musical talent, I am always happy to be in the presence of the ones who are.  Tom Swafford showed off his fiddling with some good ole' bluegrass-y Christmas tunes.  I thought I might have danced if I had cloggin' shoes on. 

IMG 3529 from kimberly on Vimeo.

This is why the arts are so important for artists share. It really is therapy!!! Helping calm raging lunatics, and basic frustrations during a bout of delayed soon to be sardine train syndrome. 

When I finally made it to Union Square, at the Barnes and Noble kid section, heard and had to find or follow the most amazing singing I have ever heard. This voice was so captivating, that I followed the sounds until I the guy stocking and sorting in the back room with the door opened. This man needs to be discovered, and He certainly will I am sure of that. Amen. ( no, I didn't get a video, but next time I will have the nerve to ask him. ) 

Today I also was graced this... quite interesting ensemble, the eclectic instrument one man show. Never seen anything quite like it,  and just for the record, the song is not my fav, he is definitely not on the top of my list musically, but I just stood there and couldn't pull myself away due to the sheer awe of what I was witnessing. 

Honestly, though, I will never have the desire to do that again. But there will be plenty others who will stop for him next time. 

IMG 3530 from kimberly on Vimeo.

Yesterday it was AnthonyThomaz, a mixture between pop and rap. Super talented duo, awarded  a roaring applause on one particular song which is a rare thing to see stranded and frustrated humanity actually show approval for a band in their midst.  

So that was AnthonyThomaz and 

this is Najah. 

This past Friday, I didn't get a video of this young woman, but she rocked 14th street Brooklyn Bound with a capital R. The whole tunnel roared with applause as she belted out one of Katy Perry's tunes.. check Najah out here ( I didn't take this video obviously). SOOO talented, and again, so grateful for the artists who take the time to come down to the tunnels to help us all out! 

Monday, was one of my worst transportation days, It was a long series of a subway stop being blocked by a police investigation, me getting off and getting on a wrong bus and when I finally made it to the train walking three avenues with two bags of heavy groceries, after entering the wrong side of the tunnel, I heard this trio playing classical music far down the way. I walked as swiftly as my feet could at that point. set my bags down and tripped right onto the subway floor. 

This wonderful trio, by sharing their gifts, kind of saved my sanity at that moment. (sending them thanks). 

As wonderful as all that was, I only managed to go out only on the days that were the absolute most bitter cold. So the musicians that were around really helped get me through to the next place. 

This weekend it's going to be 65 degrees! If I had waited until now to shop,  the probability of being squished by a sea of shoppers, and waiting in really long long lines is probably much greater than getting hit by huge flying umbrellas. 

(and if you missed that story, I was hit in the head on Saturday at 3pm with a street vendors umbrella flying through the air and I am suffering with a mild concussion, learning just how fragile we really are).

Although, having so much to do for the family, I am trying not to leave the house without some form of art making tools. 

 I did bring my heavy camera (cursing it at about hour 4, but very thankful and grateful for it too!!) and I did capture some of those near timeless, or "time-travelish" type of images I am enjoying finding ( kind of like a treasure hunt) 

enjoy!

Snow of all things sparked this process the other day, I was just trying to focus and take pictures of the snow and to see if I could capture that feeling in a two dimensional image of being in the falling snow, to see if that were possible. 

A simple beginning. 

Living here as a new-all-my-life-southerner-introvert is a bit like walking around in a movie that I am watching, except I don't know the characters, and I a have no idea what the plot is. Nonetheless, I feel like I am on the outside looking in. 

If I can keep creating, when I do I feel extremely happy, connected to my environment and joyful regardless of random feelings of total anonymity and isolation . 

What jumps out at me daily as a loner observer of this great city is often a connection to the past stays present and in my face.

One, blatantly obvious reasons of this is of course the buildings, details, parks, trains, the past is just everywhere. Second, there is a whole lot of young people who are dressing a bit Clark Kent and a bit 1890 around here, and it is those times when the two meet, the vintage attire and look, and the details or just a location that is so close to what it used to be, all of the sudden for a split second, I feel like I have just time traveled. 

I feel images as I am making them, and somehow almost telepathically, what I am feeling comes through. I am standing in the middle of what was the past, now the present, but but almost unchanged at times like being in central park where only the road material has changed.  
With that connection, I'm also feeling the snow hit my face, my nose getting cold,  feeling my toes starting to freeze, looking around at the environment, walking through this nostalgia, the images I picked here, to me possess a timelessness. Maybe its because I am on page 253 and deeply engulfed in and being influenced by the story of Time and Again by Jack Finney.  Based in NYC and the whole plot is about time travel. And maybe that and the discovery today of the Dakota (by accident) not really sure. One thing is for sure, when I read that book, I feel a connection to his reality, when he was in the present and the past. 

there must have been a road here at one point in history. would be interesting to find out. 

(this is a selfie... try to find me )

Oh, and I  was able to paint this week! So fun and so far 3 offers to buy.. here are some examples: